Much like Mothers’ Day or Earth Day, Teacher Appreciation Week gives the world a brief occasion to recognize something that deserves constant praise. Unfortunately, much of that praise comes in the form of poorly-chosen gifts.

We at ECR4Kids are all about learning through hyperbole. In that spirit, here are some exaggerated examples of what you should ABSOLUTELY NOT get the teachers in your life for Teacher Appreciation Week.

A Lifetime Supply of Stubby Pencils

Teachers already have this subscription, and they’ve been trying to cancel it since day one. Bonus flunkage if there are plenty of slimy toothmarks on what little wood remains.

Large Quantities of Poorly Packaged Glitter

We suppose glitter makes a fine gift. Glitter-bombs, on the other hand, are less than ideal. Many teachers already daydream about someday naming hurricanes after choice students. Adding glitter to the disarray is a surefire way to get your favorite teacher to pursue a career in atmospheric science.

Mismatched Furniture and Decor

As mentioned above, the course of a school day will leave many classrooms looking like Kansas during tornado season (read: messy). If you’re going to contribute to a teacher’s classroom décor, you’d better get them a set, and make sure it matches the aesthetic. ECR4Kids’ Hardwood items (such as these chairs) and SoftZone line are examples of great standalone items with looks that can fit most anywhere!

A Subversive Classroom Poster or Two

In and of itself, a poster isn’t a very devious gift. But when it features such lovely messages as  “Disregard Grammar, “Any font will do” or “Please inquire about the due date again,” a poster can become a gift that keeps on giving migraines.

An Egregious Amount of Decaf Coffee

Because by our estimations, caffeine is the important part. And while we’re aware that some teachers love coffee for the bitter taste and disagree with the effects of caffeine, we can’t claim to understand those people. (Just kidding, we appreciate you no matter your choice of beverage. We’d still advise against decaffeinated gifts, though.)

Products with Potentially Polarizing Scents

We get it — Bath & Body Works is a convenient one-stop-shop for all your gift-giving needs. But not everyone loves the scent of nauseating eggnog, cloying pine needles or hyper-aggressive cinnamon cloves. Unless you know the teacher’s nose really, really well, you should probably skip out on the scent department.

Apples (or Apple-themed Knick-Knacks)

We don’t have anything against apples — they can admittedly be pretty delicious. Plus, everyone knows that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. That said, relentless exposure to sick children is more than enough to negate this. So why are teachers constantly subjected to barrages of apples and apple tchotchkes?

Funnily enough, teachers and apples have a longstanding association that traces back to 18th century Denmark and Sweden. In rural areas, poor families would compensate teachers with baskets of apples and potatoes. There are also ties to early education in America, as well as with the idea that teachers are akin to the biblical tree of knowledge. That’s cool and all, but times have changed, and you can probably afford to at least proffer some hard apple cider.